Greetings loved ones near and far –

 I hope you all had a lovely start to the holidays.  I am well and feeling greatful for my lovely little life!  Lacy is keeping me warm on the boat at nite and I work alot, paint and clean up dog drool.  Life is good, and wish you all the health and peace in the world.

Now that thats outta the way…….

  For those of you looking for last minute gifts for me and dont know what to get here are some gift ideas:  Pina colada jelly bellies, Acrylic paint, paint brushes, Black Calvin Klein underwear briefs (32w), a 40 ft yacht in the Mediterranean sea, blank CD’s, cash, socks, penis reduction surgery, starbucks gift cards, dental floss, extra large condoms as mine have expired secondary to sexual inactivity,Garfield stickers, a suit to replace the one Dack stole (you piece of shit), happy thoughts, chocolate covered pretzels, glitter of any color, anything that helps me not lose my keys daily,red licorice, a lawyer to help me get more of the royalties from the porno’s I made in the 90’s, a dead blowfish, a new tenant for my house on the Sacramento River (Lisa you suck!), SOS band’s greatest hits album, boar hunting trip in Arkansas, singing lessons, leather pants and a tour bus for my new career as a rock star, breath mints for when you come over to visit, more generous friends,burrito from Viva Mexico,tickets to see the Spice Girls reuninon tour (I’m serious),a book on flamingos, antifungal cream for when you come over to visit and use my shower, fashion advice,  and antidepressant pills as I havent been feeling as manic as I’d like these days.

  My main new years resolution for 2008 is to eliminate most of the people (mainly you) on this mailing list.

Other new years resolutions include: 

I am going to try to promise not to do so many amazing things. 

 I am going to try to NOT to call the coastguard in distress this year. 

I would like to find a cure for my priapism.

I would like to start my roadside attraction. 

I will help all my friends by pointing out all of their flaws.

I am also going to use my free time more wisely.  My plan is to have only one bowel movement a week.  I’m thinking I can save about 3 to 5 hours per week in which I will shift the time answering fan letters.

I promise not to make as many promises.

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A word from you would brighten these long dark days. Keep in touch!

 Warmly,

 Kyle

 If you have recieved this email and would like to be removed from my mailing list you are obviously a big loser and have serious problems.  In any case just hit reply and type in “Fuck Off and Die” I will get the hint.